night walks 

forgotten winds and a sliver of silver  
bid good evening 
as I wander lost and jumbled as my thoughts  
still on home field, but not at home  
 
I wish I could remember 
the sweetness of nighttime air and 
the ease at which words come 
and instead have forgotten 
how to meticulously pick things apart – 
from dialogue to meanings to symbols. 
when will, and when can I let, 
things come naturally again? 

————-—

I’m a third into my exams and all this mindless studying has me realising that I might have lost who I am on the way here. IB has been emphasising so much on the 10 qualities, some of which include being balanced, reflective and a risk taker, I’ve kind of forgotten what else I should be/ am. I can’t even remember my pre-IB hobbies. Waiting for the next 10 days to pass quicker so I can find out whether I actually have a personality, or if I lost that as well (along with my writing skills :///).
x.

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h is for hurt

some days my mind goes -100
thoughts of life
a vicious, unescapable cycle
of emotional trauma and loss over and over and over again
stay as thoughts

i’m lost for words as soon as i try
to get the rusted notions out of my blood
they bubble to my lips but
empty air comes out of my mouth
still trapped in my dumb pantomime world
the flushed red turns to dull brown and
i lose a little more of my will to live

 

some days my mind goes 0
neutral nothings, painfully peaceful
to the point where anger and annoyance and
i think, not feel, that even negativity is welcome;
anything is better than nothing at all

 

today i’m at a 1
still so close to slipping but
currently contented
with red-stained kisses and bled-out words
it’s not an overwhelming happiness
but it’ll do.

—–

This week has been a hell of a ride and it’s not even over yet. In hindsight, life has actually been like this for as long as I can remember –  bland and mild everyday life with some unexplained dysthymia, good and short-lived times with friends, going on with life without a reason because I don’t have a reason not to. But today was good, and I enjoyed every fleeting second of it.

x.

reflection

18.23 –the time when sunrays
hit the glittering sea
reflecting light into your eyes.

the time you realise:
the day is done
and so are you.
exhaustion overwhelming,
yet a smile still on your face
as you breathe in the dusk.

the time you stare
at the glimmering gold in the waters,
lost in thought,
in your own reflection.

a moment of peace,
silence and solace.
the last drops of warmth and sunshine
shower over you
as you watch the day end.

– * –

Sunsets officially mark the end of the day and the start of night! It’s a good time to reflect on what you did and what you could have done better.

Also, in case you missed out anything from The Sunset Project, here is the master list!

x.

Necklaces

Maybe we all should learn something from a necklace:
– be there to further congratulate and applaud your friend when they are shining, just as a necklace further compliments a beautiful gown.
– necklaces aren’t made for frequent everyday use, but even so, they can try to endure it. be there to support (and maybe suffer!) for your friends, because they are worht it.
– be there to brighten up your friend’s day, just as a necklace would brighten up a common outfit and give it a special shine.
– most importantly, don’t be afraid to take a break, be it temporary or permanent, from your friends or “friends”. like necklaces, we may fall into pieces if treated unwell. but unlike necklaces, we have our own will and can unclasp, unfriend someone before they hurt us too much. (‘we get a say in who hurts us’ does hold a grain of truth) even if you break into fragments, you have the ability to heal yourself.

Oh.

Oh!
How do you stand there, just blinking?
Blinking blankly at the world, as time flies by.
Aren’t you tired of life?
All you do is stare, contemplate, and stare longer.
Do you ever complain?
You can’t move anywhere; you’re stuck for eternity.
Don’t you feel bored, upset or lost?
You’ve had so much time to think about issues.
Do you ever feel helpless?
Having seen so many flowers wither, unable to do anything.
Why don’t you try moving?
I bet you could; you could pick yourself up, and go.
Wouldn’t you like that?
You’d be free, and have control over your life.

Oh.

 

I think, as humans, we have absolutely no clue what we’re doing. Why are we living? What are we living for? I don’t have anything specific to live for. Why haven’t I killed myself yet? What am I doing with life?

However, inanimate object have an actual, specific purpose. They help us live. Some, more conveniently with everyday life. Others, they are the essentials that we need. Like that lamp post, or traffic light. They were made for a specific purpose. (Maybe, if I think about it now, I was made to bring joy to my parents’ lives…? But right now, I guess I’m bringing joy to more people, e.g. my friends. I guess.) What were we humans made for?

If a lamp post could walk, what would it do? What would it feel? Would it prefer its old life, to a new one where they basically worked until death?

I’m not really sure where this is going, haha. I just thought that I’d share my views on a blinking lamp post, who has seen at least three decades, watching everything around itself change.

  In other news, I think the poem analysis we’re doing in class is really helping me write.

x.