night walks 

forgotten winds and a sliver of silver  
bid good evening 
as I wander lost and jumbled as my thoughts  
still on home field, but not at home  
 
I wish I could remember 
the sweetness of nighttime air and 
the ease at which words come 
and instead have forgotten 
how to meticulously pick things apart – 
from dialogue to meanings to symbols. 
when will, and when can I let, 
things come naturally again? 

————-—

I’m a third into my exams and all this mindless studying has me realising that I might have lost who I am on the way here. IB has been emphasising so much on the 10 qualities, some of which include being balanced, reflective and a risk taker, I’ve kind of forgotten what else I should be/ am. I can’t even remember my pre-IB hobbies. Waiting for the next 10 days to pass quicker so I can find out whether I actually have a personality, or if I lost that as well (along with my writing skills :///).
x.

17, now. – i miss winter

i miss cool and carefree days
now, more than ever
our sunken but starry eyes and
our air of invincibility
facing forward to our futures

we’re closer
now, more than ever
our glee and excitement may be undeniable
but i don’t like how sinking reality is,
how the heat clings onto my skin
stifling and unshakeable,
or how my heart twists,
uncomfortably unpleasant,
every time the realisation ‘it’s the last time we’ll ever…’ crosses my mind

winter may’ve been
stress and coffee and panic but
i’d live through it all again
if it meant we’d have more time together

———-

Today was our last official day of school; my last regular school day as a secondary school student. My last day as a primary student didn’t do much for me, because I knew I’d be seeing majority of the grade in secondary anyway. But the feeling I have now… oof. Nothing really feels real yet, probably because I know we’ll be back during our study break and back to sit for our exams and back for graduation. Despite that, I’m still so thankful for the past 14 years at this school. I feel all weird and upset inside thinking we’ll never have classes together again, since everyone’s off to different places next year. I’m definitely going to miss poking fun at and with my friends in class, being so in tune with my friend that we can lipread and think of the same dumb jokes, and really, just… all the little moments we have in regular classes.

In short, I loved watching everyone grow up and growing up with everyone, and even though we had some awful moments, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Thanks for the past 14 years, SIS!

x.