17, now. – same same but different // last goodbye

like the moon that constantly 
waxes and wanes 
still there through cloudy nights and 
sunny days and starry skies 
through 
dreading the end of an era and
heartbreak, nostalgia and homesickness 
through adventures across asia and undefined nothingness
I’ll always come back.
(even if I do accidentally lose myself //
stronger and fuller than ever) 
so 
I think I’m ready for bigger adventures 
I think I’m ready to grow up.
—————————
I turn 18 today! I’ve thought a lot about this day and what it might signify for me, and I’ve decided it to be a semi-fresh start. I’ve been holding on so hard to being 17 and by technical definition, still being a child, that I’ve been holding myself back from trying to do more adult things. 

17 was my best year, with so many hellos and goodbyes and fairy tale endings and happy new beginnings, so I’m ready to leave all the major changes of “new beginnings” behind and just take life as it is now. It’s really fitting that I’m back in Hong Kong for my 18th, where everything – from my life to school to finding out who I am – started, as if I’ve come full circle and completed my childhood journey. Growing up will never be as simple, straightforward and quick as saying so, but it’s not like I’m going to become an entirely different person. I’ll always come back to who I’ve been ever since I was a child, and with that, I’m fully ready for the last goodbye, after saying it again and again to all my friends as they left for uni: goodbye childhood, and hello new experiences in adulthood!

xx.

Advertisements

from everything to summer

it was cold last month: 
feathery rain light as snow, 
brown-edged petals littered on the ground and 
falling leaves fluttering in the dusk. 
snippets of seasonal weather 
delicately handpicked, ripe and teasingly sweet yet 
bitter with the taste of homesickness 

but 
fast forward and 
all at once, it’s summer again 
glaring sunlight fades to a golden glow, 
sunshine slowly seeps through
broken cracks and 
turns perfume sweet to berry sweet. 
acrid longing becomes a fond nostalgia for home instead.

17, now. – here’s to my best summer

the waves lull  
and we sway blissfully 
free, floating and drifting 
through the quickly passing days. 
I wish we could stay 
here, together 
forever 
–––––

My summer is ending soon and in many ways it already has, so before I move on to a new part of my life, make new friends and have new jokes, here’s to 14 years of unbreakable friendship. Class of 2017, thank you for the best summer of a rotation of different hangouts almost daily. I’ll miss us so much, and I think I already do. All the best in the next chapter – if we survived IB, BS biases, and everything that was thrown in our way the last few years, we can do anything. Keep in touch, and we’ll meet again soon. :)

xx.

i’m in love (with) today

there’s the strong smell of coffee and 
faint traces of you mingling 
in every breath i take – 
all-too-familiar and so sweetly homey – 
i’m missing you but 
i’m feeling whole and not holes  
in my heart 
 
today 
 
everything is the right colour and 
with a rosy glow and one deep breath out later 
life is fine again. 

i am not a writer

it’s been nine years since I started writing-writing, creativity spilling onto blank pages, lines and rows and sheets of blue ink the proudest achievement of my life. the joys of holding well-worn, crumpled papers were but a childhood novelty, and faded along with the rest of my childhood. i didn’t write afterwards. it’s been four years since i rediscovered writing; this time, i started typing-writing, my feelings spilling into pixels on a screen. jagged lines of black text became my new aesthetic. i fell in love with how i could make something out of nothing. how broken sentences could read so beautifully fluid. how my broken heart mended with the more sentences i broke. i naively thought, i can write. it’s been six months since i realised i can’t write anymore. words were the stars in the sky when my world was dark and when i fell in love again the streaming sunshine broke both the night and my writing. and so my broken heart healed and as i said goodbye to the hurt and longing i also waved my words away. i now think in feelings and colours and the symbol-numbers of science but not in words. i can’t speak coherently and i bite back all the different forms of words i want to use to express the same idea and i struggle to form a simple sentence. i can’t write anymore, but i’m sure i will find the words again, the precious gems tucked away in the dark corners of this new sunlit world.

one-dimensional

don’t paint me with a single stroke of a brush –
i may be insignificant in the divine plan of the universe,
but just one dot in a drawing?
i am more than that.

and don’t reduce me to the few
recycled adjectives that work in shifts, printed
neatly on my report cards,
because i am more than that;
more than the words i write and
my hobbies and
all the weird hand gestures i make.

i am the feeling you get when you’re around me and
the memories you make when you’re with me and
the thinkings and habits you’ve picked up from me.
i am an individual,
distinctly different from you and you and you and
unique and ordinary all at the same time.

so don’t just put me down in your mind as ‘that _____ girl’,
and don’t diminish me to a one-dimensional description,
because i am so much more than that.

we’re just hurtling through space; who knows what’s out there?

brisk wind blows and
settles on my cheek,
it’s oddly dark around
and there’s time to kill
so tipsy
I tilt my head back
and stare at the sky.

a steamy breath of warm air
later,
I start to count the stars:
one here, over there, three
in a row

and I don’t feel so alone
anymore.