to 12 (and 15 and 18) year old me:
please break down the notion of an ‘ideal’ relationship
and the idea that there necessary elements to a relationship.
unsubscribe from the notion that
anniversaries are celebrated with candles and champagne and
the perfect couple is always formed from best friends and
falling out of love is the only big problem you will face.
because real life is never that simple
and there is so much more to two peoples’ intertwined lives
than what the world sees them do
and what they let the world see them do.
please remember that everyone is different,
from their love language
(yours is affection)
to their chemistry with others;
that it’s never too late to start or end something;
that there will be ups and downs
that aren’t the end of the (your) world;
that what you have doesn’t have to be perfect,
just something you’re happy to wake up to.
and most of all,
please love what and who you have, had, and will have,
with all your heart,
and never regret anything.
black was the dark
oblivious to our differences and thinking
hot celebrities and one night stands were just
the latest “in” trend
grey was murky awareness
non-stop questions and exploring
fighting self-doubt with evidence
and trying so hard to understand
white is enlightenment
finally understanding that i will only ever
get it in theory
the same way the colourblind view colours –
how can i explain what i don’t feel
if i’ve never felt it?
purple is community, is fitting in
feeling real and valid with
other people who’ve had the same
questions, thoughts, experiences
and feeling like i belong
spring looks like
fogged up glass and dewy white weather and
wet tears on dry walls
from reminiscing and missing
high school days
was shorter sleeves and lighter layers for the
slowly shedding winter;
a splash of pink in thermoses
to fight the occasional chill
and the perpetual weariness and bleariness;
and another coat of pink
a warm blanket for studying,
a layer of comfort, of familiarity, of security
wrapped around loosely
one last time before everything changes
synonymous with reunion,
and more recently,
to how full my heart becomes
brimming with white-hot glowing love
seeing everyone together
delicate cracks on brittle bone bowls
stained blood red and
are nothing but crumbling
broken isn’t dead;
fill the void
with honeyed memories & caramelised dreams
coat it with the golden pith of ikigai and
get up and fight
stronger and prouder than before
like the moon that constantly
waxes and wanes
still there through cloudy nights and
sunny days and starry skies
dreading the end of an era and
heartbreak, nostalgia and homesickness
through adventures across asia and undefined nothingness
I’ll always come back.
(even if I do accidentally lose myself //
stronger and fuller than ever)
I think I’m ready for bigger adventures
I think I’m ready to grow up.
I turn 18 today! I’ve thought a lot about this day and what it might signify for me, and I’ve decided it to be a semi-fresh start. I’ve been holding on so hard to being 17 and by technical definition, still being a child, that I’ve been holding myself back from trying to do more adult things.
17 was my best year, with so many hellos and goodbyes and fairy tale endings and happy new beginnings, so I’m ready to leave all the major changes of “new beginnings” behind and just take life as it is now. It’s really fitting that I’m back in Hong Kong for my 18th, where everything – from my life to school to finding out who I am – started, as if I’ve come full circle and completed my childhood journey. Growing up will never be as simple, straightforward and quick as saying so, but it’s not like I’m going to become an entirely different person. I’ll always come back to who I’ve been ever since I was a child, and with that, I’m fully ready for the last goodbye, after saying it again and again to all my friends as they left for uni: goodbye childhood, and hello new experiences in adulthood!
it was cold last month:
feathery rain light as snow,
brown-edged petals littered on the ground and
falling leaves fluttering in the dusk.
snippets of seasonal weather
delicately handpicked, ripe and teasingly sweet yet
bitter with the taste of homesickness
fast forward and
all at once, it’s summer again
glaring sunlight fades to a golden glow,
sunshine slowly seeps through
broken cracks and
turns perfume sweet to berry sweet.
acrid longing becomes a fond nostalgia for home instead.