h is for hurt

some days my mind goes -100
thoughts of life
a vicious, unescapable cycle
of emotional trauma and loss over and over and over again
stay as thoughts

i’m lost for words as soon as i try
to get the rusted notions out of my blood
they bubble to my lips but
empty air comes out of my mouth
still trapped in my dumb pantomime world
the flushed red turns to dull brown and
i lose a little more of my will to live

 

some days my mind goes 0
neutral nothings, painfully peaceful
to the point where anger and annoyance and
i think, not feel, that even negativity is welcome;
anything is better than nothing at all

 

today i’m at a 1
still so close to slipping but
currently contented
with red-stained kisses and bled-out words
it’s not an overwhelming happiness
but it’ll do.

—–

This week has been a hell of a ride and it’s not even over yet. In hindsight, life has actually been like this for as long as I can remember –  bland and mild everyday life with some unexplained dysthymia, good and short-lived times with friends, going on with life without a reason because I don’t have a reason not to. But today was good, and I enjoyed every fleeting second of it.

x.

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