night walks 

forgotten winds and a sliver of silver  
bid good evening 
as I wander lost and jumbled as my thoughts  
still on home field, but not at home  
 
I wish I could remember 
the sweetness of nighttime air and 
the ease at which words come 
and instead have forgotten 
how to meticulously pick things apart – 
from dialogue to meanings to symbols. 
when will, and when can I let, 
things come naturally again? 

————-—

I’m a third into my exams and all this mindless studying has me realising that I might have lost who I am on the way here. IB has been emphasising so much on the 10 qualities, some of which include being balanced, reflective and a risk taker, I’ve kind of forgotten what else I should be/ am. I can’t even remember my pre-IB hobbies. Waiting for the next 10 days to pass quicker so I can find out whether I actually have a personality, or if I lost that as well (along with my writing skills :///).
x.

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17, now. – nameless feelings

i know what to do
when my mind wanders to people and places
when longing fills my veins and the
lust filled rust filled knife plunges deep into my heart:
Just see them again

 
but what do you do when you start to
miss memories,
and how you will never experience them again?
this bittersweet cocktail of desire and nostalgia
spiked with something else
what is this feeling called?

Uni is quickly approaching and I’m getting more frequent bouts of this kind of feeling, whenever I reminisce the road trips my family would take every summer with my aunt and uncle (among other things). I took those trips for granted; I didn’t know any better. Only now that they have grandkids and I feel like my life is about to diverge off to a completely different path do I realise how precious this time was. :(

x.