black was the dark
oblivious to our differences and thinking
hot celebrities and one night stands were just
the latest “in” trend
grey was murky awareness
non-stop questions and exploring
fighting self-doubt with evidence
and trying so hard to understand
white is enlightenment
finally understanding that i will only ever
get it in theory
the same way the colourblind view colours –
how can i explain what i don’t feel
if i’ve never felt it?
purple is community, is fitting in
feeling real and valid with
other people who’ve had the same
questions, thoughts, experiences
and feeling like i belong
delicate cracks on brittle bone bowls
stained blood red and
are nothing but crumbling
broken isn’t dead;
fill the void
with honeyed memories & caramelised dreams
coat it with the golden pith of ikigai and
get up and fight
stronger and prouder than before
like the moon that constantly
waxes and wanes
still there through cloudy nights and
sunny days and starry skies
dreading the end of an era and
heartbreak, nostalgia and homesickness
through adventures across asia and undefined nothingness
I’ll always come back.
(even if I do accidentally lose myself //
stronger and fuller than ever)
I think I’m ready for bigger adventures
I think I’m ready to grow up.
I turn 18 today! I’ve thought a lot about this day and what it might signify for me, and I’ve decided it to be a semi-fresh start. I’ve been holding on so hard to being 17 and by technical definition, still being a child, that I’ve been holding myself back from trying to do more adult things.
17 was my best year, with so many hellos and goodbyes and fairy tale endings and happy new beginnings, so I’m ready to leave all the major changes of “new beginnings” behind and just take life as it is now. It’s really fitting that I’m back in Hong Kong for my 18th, where everything – from my life to school to finding out who I am – started, as if I’ve come full circle and completed my childhood journey. Growing up will never be as simple, straightforward and quick as saying so, but it’s not like I’m going to become an entirely different person. I’ll always come back to who I’ve been ever since I was a child, and with that, I’m fully ready for the last goodbye, after saying it again and again to all my friends as they left for uni: goodbye childhood, and hello new experiences in adulthood!
the waves lull
and we sway blissfully
free, floating and drifting
through the quickly passing days.
I wish we could stay
My summer is ending soon and in many ways it already has, so before I move on to a new part of my life, make new friends and have new jokes, here’s to 14 years of unbreakable friendship. Class of 2017, thank you for the best summer of a rotation of different hangouts almost daily. I’ll miss us so much, and I think I already do. All the best in the next chapter – if we survived IB, BS biases, and everything that was thrown in our way the last few years, we can do anything. Keep in touch, and we’ll meet again soon. :)
forgotten winds and a sliver of silver
bid good evening
as I wander lost and jumbled as my thoughts
still on home field, but not at home
I wish I could remember
the sweetness of nighttime air and
the ease at which words come
and instead have forgotten
how to meticulously pick things apart –
from dialogue to meanings to symbols.
when will, and when can I let,
things come naturally again?
I’m a third into my exams and all this mindless studying has me realising that I might have lost who I am on the way here. IB has been emphasising so much on the 10 qualities, some of which include being balanced, reflective and a risk taker, I’ve kind of forgotten what else I should be/ am. I can’t even remember my pre-IB hobbies. Waiting for the next 10 days to pass quicker so I can find out whether I actually have a personality, or if I lost that as well (along with my writing skills :///).
there’s the strong smell of coffee and
faint traces of you mingling
in every breath i take –
all-too-familiar and so sweetly homey –
i’m missing you but
i’m feeling whole and not holes
in my heart
everything is the right colour and
with a rosy glow and one deep breath out later
life is fine again.
some days my mind goes -100
thoughts of life
a vicious, unescapable cycle
of emotional trauma and loss over and over and over again
stay as thoughts
i’m lost for words as soon as i try
to get the rusted notions out of my blood
they bubble to my lips but
empty air comes out of my mouth
still trapped in my dumb pantomime world
the flushed red turns to dull brown and
i lose a little more of my will to live
some days my mind goes 0
neutral nothings, painfully peaceful
to the point where anger and annoyance and
i think, not feel, that even negativity is welcome;
anything is better than nothing at all
today i’m at a 1
still so close to slipping but
with red-stained kisses and bled-out words
it’s not an overwhelming happiness
but it’ll do.
This week has been a hell of a ride and it’s not even over yet. In hindsight, life has actually been like this for as long as I can remember – bland and mild everyday life with some unexplained dysthymia, good and short-lived times with friends, going on with life without a reason because I don’t have a reason not to. But today was good, and I enjoyed every fleeting second of it.