i’m in love (with) today

there’s the strong smell of coffee and 
faint traces of you mingling 
in every breath i take – 
all-too-familiar and so sweetly homey – 
i’m missing you but 
i’m feeling whole and not holes  
in my heart 
 
today 
 
everything is the right colour and 
with a rosy glow and one deep breath out later 
life is fine again. 

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h is for hurt

some days my mind goes -100
thoughts of life
a vicious, unescapable cycle
of emotional trauma and loss over and over and over again
stay as thoughts

i’m lost for words as soon as i try
to get the rusted notions out of my blood
they bubble to my lips but
empty air comes out of my mouth
still trapped in my dumb pantomime world
the flushed red turns to dull brown and
i lose a little more of my will to live

 

some days my mind goes 0
neutral nothings, painfully peaceful
to the point where anger and annoyance and
i think, not feel, that even negativity is welcome;
anything is better than nothing at all

 

today i’m at a 1
still so close to slipping but
currently contented
with red-stained kisses and bled-out words
it’s not an overwhelming happiness
but it’ll do.

—–

This week has been a hell of a ride and it’s not even over yet. In hindsight, life has actually been like this for as long as I can remember –  bland and mild everyday life with some unexplained dysthymia, good and short-lived times with friends, going on with life without a reason because I don’t have a reason not to. But today was good, and I enjoyed every fleeting second of it.

x.

17, now. – i miss winter

i miss cool and carefree days
now, more than ever
our sunken but starry eyes and
our air of invincibility
facing forward to our futures

we’re closer
now, more than ever
our glee and excitement may be undeniable
but i don’t like how sinking reality is,
how the heat clings onto my skin
stifling and unshakeable,
or how my heart twists,
uncomfortably unpleasant,
every time the realisation ‘it’s the last time we’ll ever…’ crosses my mind

winter may’ve been
stress and coffee and panic but
i’d live through it all again
if it meant we’d have more time together

———-

Today was our last official day of school; my last regular school day as a secondary school student. My last day as a primary student didn’t do much for me, because I knew I’d be seeing majority of the grade in secondary anyway. But the feeling I have now… oof. Nothing really feels real yet, probably because I know we’ll be back during our study break and back to sit for our exams and back for graduation. Despite that, I’m still so thankful for the past 14 years at this school. I feel all weird and upset inside thinking we’ll never have classes together again, since everyone’s off to different places next year. I’m definitely going to miss poking fun at and with my friends in class, being so in tune with my friend that we can lipread and think of the same dumb jokes, and really, just… all the little moments we have in regular classes.

In short, I loved watching everyone grow up and growing up with everyone, and even though we had some awful moments, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Thanks for the past 14 years, SIS!

x.

warm lights warm nights

spring nights may be cold
but with lights in my eyes and your hand in mine
i’m anything but that

life will be good

crisp wind and fresh air
smells of infinite possibilities
under infinite blue

pantomime trees sway gently in the breeze

we hum our own tunes, melodies
blend into what becomes the songs of life

it only gets better from here

17, now. – blissfully blank

most days are messy:
physics equations in english and
black dots of music in math
overwhelmed with loud laughter
headaches and mental screaming

some days are quiet:
papers and pieces of information neatly filed away
the soft scribbling of pencils
the faint rustle of papers
fades into shared silence

then there are some times
thoughts muted, mind blank
there are no words, only colours and shapes
empty sounds
and nothing else.

IMG_2814 (1)
view from my school’s garden! there isn’t much, but it’s one of the more quieter places on the campus.

17, now. – family is synonymous with home

dolled up and feeling like
a stranger in my skin
festive reds and golds but
familiar places with familiar faces
i start to ease up –

passing years have seen us drifting
time zones and lifetimes away
but a rhythm settles and the distance
disappears with the lively chitchat
and sharp cluck of chopsticks reaching for food

because
family is family is family
and here with everyone is where
i’ll always feel settled
and comfortable
and at home.

This recent Chinese New Year was so precious to me – I saw so many relatives who I hadn’t seen in years. I realised my family had our own traditions; aside from the usual radish cakes, we pass the phone around when my aunt in the US calls, we crowd the sofa for our annual family photo, etc. I found that despite not having seen some relatives since forever, I wasn’t awkward around them – one of the reasons we are family is because we can be comfortable around each other. All in all, it was a really touching holiday, even if I am a month late on reflecting this. ❤︎

x.